Something has prompted me to write. I am deep in thought about friendships and how they are formed. Not only how they are formed, but how they are sustained. I’m not talking about the casual friendship or friend you call from time to time when you’ve got a few minutes to spare. I’m referring to the truly deep and meaningful type, the type of friendship that you know will last a lifetime. The kind of friend who will drop anything and everything to be there for you when you need her, no matter what.
Looking back over the years, I’m disappointed. I’ve had friendships, several friendships that I might even consider to be deep and meaningful, but something always seems to happen and my friends and I drift apart. Who’s to blame, I can’t say. It’s very likely that my availability has something to do with my failed friendships, lack of time to invest. I really don’t believe that I’ve ever had a friendship that’s lasted. I’ve had several friends that I’ve been ‘close’ to, but none of them are close to me now.
I was at my sister’s house this past weekend. I watched as she interacted with two of her very best friends. They would do anything for one another. They support and lean on one another. There’s a mutual love and concern for one another that I think is really awesome. I know that my sister and her friends would go to the ends of the earth for one another. They are like sisters. I don’t think I’m even that close to my very own sister, as close as a sister. Not that I wouldn’t go to the ends of the earth for my sister, because I would, but we just aren’t close like we were when we were kids. Strange thought. I’m not as close to my sister as a sister…
So, the wheels inside my head started to turn and I began to ask myself why. It must be me. I’ve seen many others develop and maintain deep meaningful friendships. I really can say that I’ve tried many times, and have failed miserably. I have been vulnerable, mistreated, lied to, walked on, bullied, and flat out rejected. The friendships that I’ve managed to develop have been with dysfunctional selfish people who have had their own agendas. I really want to have a friend who looks out for my best interests above her own, and I look out for hers above mine.
I’ve consistently pursued friendships involving people who never seem to have the time to invest. Time is my biggest enemy. I hate that people can’t seem to find the time to spend with me, especially when I value that person and really would like to spend time with them. It makes me feel like I hold no value with that person. If I want to see someone, I can always make a way. I assume they can too. So, what’s the deal?
What is it about me that makes people either feel like I’m not worth their time, or feel like I don’t need their time? I’m not sure, but I would love more than anything to find someone who wanted to spend time with me and be a life-long friend. Someone who will be there when I need them, no matter what. I’ll do the same for them! I would drop anything to go to a friend in need, but this same mindset isn’t shared or widely expressed.
I’ll contemplate some more… I really don’t have any answers right now.
