Questions! Always full of Questions!

Who am I? How did I get here? What do I want to do with my life? Oh, the questions one might ask on the path to self discovery. What do I want to be when I grow up? At what point do you stop asking yourself this quesiton? If you're 31, are you considered to be all grown up? If so, what did I become?

Ha! Welcome to my mind, questions circling night and day. Tours will be held every hour on the hour. Keep your hands and feet inside the moving vehicle at all times. Oh, and do not feed the animals. Enjoy your ride! A circus, a carnival of questions and uncertainties fill my thougths. What did I become?


...Obviously, I became a wife and mom. There's no doubt about that! I've got the mountains of dirty laundry to prove it!

Feels like Rain...

Storms roar in abruptly, make no mistake. At times to their greatest pleasure, they find themselves delightfully catching us all off guard. Even the most experienced meteorologists and highly proclaimed weather experts fall unsuspecting when Mother Nature intently fixes her gaze upon wickedness. She ravages all who dare remain in her path as she dominates the elements of this earth. She is relentless. She is malicious. She is uncaring. Rest assured she will devour any who feel brave enough to challenge her. She will toss about those who defy her. She pleases to triumph indiscriminately. Her adversaries are as defenseless as a buoy anchored tightly to the ocean floor, which she aims to overcome by the crashing waves of her roaring sea. Life is a storm. Life is THIS storm, wicked and cruel. Gasping for breath in between each bone crushing wave, death feels certain.

Song Lyrics.. Cheesy, right?

Song Lyrics? Can a song truly describe an innermost feeling? At times, perhaps… Cheesy, I know.

Toby Mac, Get Back Up

You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for you life,
But why? Oh why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And theres always scars
When you fall back far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up, get up,
Your gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever

You're rolled out at the dawning of the day
Heart racin' as you made your little get away,
It feels like you've been runnin' all your life
But, why? Oh why?

So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there,
You start believin' that your situation's unfair

But there's always scars,
When you fall back far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
Never too late to get back up again,
One day, you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down but not out forever,
Lose our way, we get back up again,
So get up, get up
You gonna shine again
It's never too late, to get back up again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever,
May be knocked down, but not out forever!

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken,
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin' love callin'.

Out to the broken,
This is love callin'....

Rollercoaster

Victorious! There’s life, prosperity and victory in the blood of Jesus Christ. Come to Me all who labor, and are heavily burdened and I will give you rest, Jesus says. My Bible is littered with verses of overcoming, standing firm, blessings and deliverance for all who call upon the name of the LORD. Yes! It’s as simple as that! Be encouraged, you can do all things because God is with you helping you along the way. He is at your right side. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is boundless. His power is limitless. He is uncontainable, unshakable, unwavering, never tiring…

If I have just accurately described the One who is right beside me, then why, oh why, do I catch myself retreating in the face of adversity? While standing in between a breakthrough and a retreat, why do I seem to find myself longing for that breakthrough yet running away in retreat? I desire to breakthrough. Unfortunately, I find desire to be meager, insufficient, not enough. The desire for breakthrough fills every ounce of my being! Yet, cowardly I hide. I ravenously thirst for the ability to come against the obstacles standing in my way, like a wrecking bally swinging fiercely in midair aiming to demolish anything standing in its path. Yet, cowardly I run. Desire isn’t enough. Why not?

Teetering on the brink fills my being with terror, like a rollercoaster. As I slowly ascend up the tracks of an old rickety rollercoaster, my mind begins to race. What am I doing here? Why am I putting myself through this? Trying to get a grip, I begin deep breathing exercises. My nostrils are filled with the smells of old wood and sweat. My senses are heightened as I take in the landscape. Fear’s grip is unyielding. It begins to tightly envelop me, squeezing the fight out of me, delightfully determined to ingest me just as a snake is of its prey. Fire! Pounding wildly, I feel as though I cannot contain my heart within my chest. Not unlike a tsunami threatening to ravage the approaching shoreline, a wave of panic sweeps over me. Losing consciousness, I go as limp and lifeless as a new plant overcome by the midsummer heat. Not even halfway up the tracks, and I’m already a goner. How can I possibly make it to the top? I hear the creaking of the tracks beneath me, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “Let me out! Let me out!” But, I know if I turn back now I’ll just have to begin the slow horrific ascent again. I just want to go home. Terror. Uncontrollable terror. I am certain these slow painful ascents to the top, to the climax of my distress, will be the death of me. Yet, illogically, I am also certain the terror which seeks to derail me is afraid for me to live the victory awaiting me at the top. The knowledge that an exhilarating triumph awaits me at the top should be enough to keep me pressing forward, but it’s not.

Run! Leaping from the coaster, tearing off the tracks, and retreating to the sidelines I frantically search for safety. Run! Convinced my life is in the balance, I keep on running not realizing until it’s too late that I’ve not only begun my retreat, but I’ve lost precious ground. Wrecking ball? Scarcely. Do I desire to be? With all my heart.