Rollercoaster

Victorious! There’s life, prosperity and victory in the blood of Jesus Christ. Come to Me all who labor, and are heavily burdened and I will give you rest, Jesus says. My Bible is littered with verses of overcoming, standing firm, blessings and deliverance for all who call upon the name of the LORD. Yes! It’s as simple as that! Be encouraged, you can do all things because God is with you helping you along the way. He is at your right side. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is boundless. His power is limitless. He is uncontainable, unshakable, unwavering, never tiring…

If I have just accurately described the One who is right beside me, then why, oh why, do I catch myself retreating in the face of adversity? While standing in between a breakthrough and a retreat, why do I seem to find myself longing for that breakthrough yet running away in retreat? I desire to breakthrough. Unfortunately, I find desire to be meager, insufficient, not enough. The desire for breakthrough fills every ounce of my being! Yet, cowardly I hide. I ravenously thirst for the ability to come against the obstacles standing in my way, like a wrecking bally swinging fiercely in midair aiming to demolish anything standing in its path. Yet, cowardly I run. Desire isn’t enough. Why not?

Teetering on the brink fills my being with terror, like a rollercoaster. As I slowly ascend up the tracks of an old rickety rollercoaster, my mind begins to race. What am I doing here? Why am I putting myself through this? Trying to get a grip, I begin deep breathing exercises. My nostrils are filled with the smells of old wood and sweat. My senses are heightened as I take in the landscape. Fear’s grip is unyielding. It begins to tightly envelop me, squeezing the fight out of me, delightfully determined to ingest me just as a snake is of its prey. Fire! Pounding wildly, I feel as though I cannot contain my heart within my chest. Not unlike a tsunami threatening to ravage the approaching shoreline, a wave of panic sweeps over me. Losing consciousness, I go as limp and lifeless as a new plant overcome by the midsummer heat. Not even halfway up the tracks, and I’m already a goner. How can I possibly make it to the top? I hear the creaking of the tracks beneath me, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “Let me out! Let me out!” But, I know if I turn back now I’ll just have to begin the slow horrific ascent again. I just want to go home. Terror. Uncontrollable terror. I am certain these slow painful ascents to the top, to the climax of my distress, will be the death of me. Yet, illogically, I am also certain the terror which seeks to derail me is afraid for me to live the victory awaiting me at the top. The knowledge that an exhilarating triumph awaits me at the top should be enough to keep me pressing forward, but it’s not.

Run! Leaping from the coaster, tearing off the tracks, and retreating to the sidelines I frantically search for safety. Run! Convinced my life is in the balance, I keep on running not realizing until it’s too late that I’ve not only begun my retreat, but I’ve lost precious ground. Wrecking ball? Scarcely. Do I desire to be? With all my heart.